I originally wrote an entire vent post in my DA account describing my illness and the impacts real-life problems gave to my Internet behavior, but nobody wanted to listen. And I feel like ending this myself so many times, because no one'd ever understand, but it is useless. So I am writing this post, because I need urgent help; a non-rantful, uncensored, friend-restoring, non-flame war-causing way to end this without making me furious!
The situation actually started over a year ago, when I started to get serious about my work. But I prefer to talk only about the present.
After realizing about the first parts of the situation, I wrote a vent I shared with my ex-friends. But two did not listen, and I even encouraged them to read again, yet the problem wasn't solved. They still wanted me to forgive them, when I already had the words to do so.
It happened again at Discord Chat; I wanted to solve the situation, but my mysterious mental illness didn't let me to... and I burst out as I would always do.
However, it has been ongoing since I had a rabid follower; I had to discontinue my Discord account because my chatrooms suddenly got flooded by stupid comments I would not even understand; I attempted to shut them up myself and make them sane, but they only said Speak English!, Where are the subtitles!? and stupid stuff like that, when I was being coherent and friendly (I have approved all and every single English subjects in all my school life, I watched too much Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer during my childhood, and, man, even I had extracurricular English classes, especially in Summer Break!). In moments like these, I would always be forced to get furious, even if I don't want to.
I have received so many rants ever since; I would always want to explain the situations, but they just do not listen; they don't know that my Internet problems come from real life!
Naturally, I have trouble making friends, and interact with society. I am about to conclude First Semester, and I may have good grades (even if not the best of the best in my classroom, but still only 9's and 10's Mexican system), but my only problem, was discipline; now, I do not shout curse words in real life (unless I'm VERY furious, yet that's very unlikely to happen, because, if I'd calculate my anger grades, only 5% means BALLISTIC TO DEATH!!!), due to my family education standards, but I get ticked off very easily. I take jokes way too seriously, and I am forced to calmly tell them to be quiet, even if they say It's just a joke! This has drastically influenced my Internet behavior. I have made several vents about this, but rants keep on evolving, and they're only making my illness more powerful.
But honestly, almost nobody ever cared about me just because I'm Mexican. In my country, we have been living several problems recently; delinquency, high violence, the repairs of the lethal damage that the Mexico City earthquake left, and especially is in my state where there has been insecurity. This was impacting my illness in some way; fear has made me feel less motivated than I'd normally should, and it has been turning into anger.
Yet so many people have never understood, and only told me to get the HELL out of the internet only because of my attitude, when I only want to share my works, and get to know others'; but I've had so much issues, related with socializing, and with controlling my illness, making me more of a marginated artist than someone, at least known; my talent may be tolerable, but my behavior isn't.
I've lost a friend recently; and just because of my illness; I get too serious when somebody comments on my work (it's not mandatory, though), and I am careful when...
-It only has one word. One-word comments are not helpful.
-It's comparing it with something else, not related with the design UNLESS I state in the description that it's inspired from such thing.
-It is a negative comment from someone that doesn't know how to criticize. I love criticism, as long as it's not harmful or rabid.
Most people just do not know I have some mental illness; and I know it can't be autism, simply emotional issues, or any other that directly affects and 'controls' the emotions. I must wait until my exams are over (concluding the semester, and take me to Winter Break as well), so I can ask my parents to take me to an accurate diagnosis; yes, my father is a well-recognized doctor across my city, but he's a cardiologist; and I went to two psychologists, but the situation, in real life, is not solved.
Unfortunately, I am scared on telling the true story to my parents and my brother (which is 5 years older than me), with the fear they might force me to shut down all my media accounts, and strict my talent forever. I just... can't tell them about it, not even when I have nothing to do. Only school knows about my situation, but not even the psychologist himself or my teachers (mostly those that are close friends) got a true remedy for it. I felt like they didn't like me at all.
I just can't have the attitude of a true 15-year old girl. I am in Preparatory, supposedly more disciplined, yet it was all the opposite; my classmates only spend their time ticking me off, and have constant headaches. My illness is becoming more powerful when they least notice it; one single comment could lead me to expulsion! And I don't want this to happen; as I stated before, socializing is my only school issue, grades aren't.
I don't want to be against something I actually do, but if I resist on getting furious, I will only have a headache that will not let me focus on the class.
I, can't... I just... can't find a solution myself, not even in real life. I could just have been a waste of space, and would have focused my entire life in videogames, but that's useless; I exist for a reason. But I can't just trust anyone... I don't really think I can have help... because my illness will only make me refuse, and I would be an entire waste everywhere.